so is it okay to not know what you want to do? yes...i know the answer is yes...it's ok. but it just doesn't stop there, does it?

in the grand scheme of things...life is too short and too valuable to worry yeah? while i know in my heart and in my head that God is in control and has a plan for me, somehow, unbeknowst to me...those thoughts of uncertainty in that plan and fear keep on creeping in.

in the midst of my job hunt, inevitably the questions arise:
1. why do you want to work here?
2. where do yo see yourself in 5/10 years?
of course my enthused answers (paraphrased of course):
1. i LOVE your company, it's a great opportunity and exactly what i'm looking for!
2. working here of course!!
when in reality i'm thinking:
1. you're hiring and i think i fit
2. i have no idea.

i don't know about you all...but, to me, work is just work. i have come to realize that i have no great passion to be doing any certain anything as a career. on the other hand, while i don't really care what it is i do, i actually do care. there are things i wouldn't want to do. there are things i would not really enjoy doing. but then there is this whole world of things that i suppose i wouldn't mind doing if it "put food on the table" and let me have a life. and what do those phrases really mean?

here's the burning question of the day: having gone to law school and been a lawyer...is that something i want to do for the rest of my life? can i see myself not doing that after going to school for it and taking the most horrible test of my life? it was good before and seems cool now...but do i want to do that when i'm 47 years old? i don't know but something tells me maybe not. do i want to work at williams sonoma unpacking boxes for $10/hr...because that surely takes no brain power and lets me have a life (incidentally it could also introduce me to a community of potheads). something tells me that i don't really want that either.

so in the struggle to find some happy medium i may have to think more concretley about staying a lawyer or moving over to something else. people move industries. people end up doing something that they did not go to school for all the time, right? and if i wasn't a lawyer...what would i be? (ooo...re-reading this...i changed it to "what would i do" but i thought i fitting to leave it uneditted as it does really reflect that my struggle might more that just "what to do?")(hmmm...more contemplation required) then there are thoughts on would i or could i go back to being a lawyer if i took a 5 or 10 year detour? what's a girl to do!!!

*sigh* my mantra has now morphed from i HATE job hunting to i HATE job hunting AND interviewing.

i miss you all!