revelation for me...

so i have been having a dilemma with my job hunting...but i seem to be coming out of the woods. or at least there's light ahead. or at least light...may be a train heading my way. anyhow...i've been toying with the idea of an industry change. no more litigation for me. considering transitioning to corporate law. problem is...i have no corporate experience...can't really go back to school for that...and no one will give me a job in it since i have no experience. what a catch 22. anyhow...for the past year i've been one foot in just staying in litigation...and one foot in considering the change. so i haven't been able to move. just recently...i have become more comfortable in committing to the transition...so hence...the light up ahead. but still...i'm not 100% committed and i'm beginning to see what my problem is.

i think it's because i've never really had to really try hard or suffer for anything. not to say that everything has been easy or i've gotten all that's i've wanted. but i think that my nature is such that i'm pretty easygoing and whatever happens happens. i've always been ok with whatever and accepting of things that do or don't work out. but honestly...i've never had to really work 100% hard or give all of me to achieve something or head some direction. except when it came to my relationship with vince. that, hands down...was the hardest, most effortful, and most reflective time in my life. but things like school, job, material things, time spent...they don't fall in that caliber of putting forth my best effort. i used to wonder what would be different if i actually studied harder in school because i know i could have, in high school, college, and law school. and so now i wonder...if i put in my best effort towards my livelihood...what could happen?

so now what... my revelation is that i've been good at going with the flow and sometimes putting my oars in the water to change my direction and sometimes row a few strokes. but then i think of when those trying to be navy seals have to row their boat past the break of the ocean waves or in all i've learned this year about making marriage work... you have to commit and you have to give it your all. none of this half ass-ness. so now...i'm still not 100% committed to my industry transition...because i'm scared and prideful. i'm scared of not knowing what might happen. i'm scared of failing. i'm scared it's the wrong direction. i'm too proud to go down in the ranks. i'm too proud to do something that seems less than what i was trained to do. but i know now...that i don't want to not even try because i might be scared. ok, putting it more grammatically correct: despite my fear...i have to try. i cannot let my fear paralyze me. because that would be worse than failing. and i know now that my pride can be a huge obstacle. my livelihood does not depend on my title or how other people view me. my livelihood is knowing that i'm doing something worthwhile and enjoyable. what that is...haha..i still don't know...but i don't want to be scared or too proud to get there.