What do I Treasure?

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Looking for a job has not been a bowl of cherries. This transition in my life has not been anything like I expected. Getting married. Moving to a new area. Looking for a new job. Trying to plan for the future. Trying to lay the ground work for that future. And you know how I like to have control...and how I like to know what's going to happen. I want to be a good wife. I want to find a good job. I want to make a difference. And maybe someday...I want to be a good mom. But sometimes that is so overwhelming to me. How to orchestrate all of that so that all those things happen. How can I ensure that that happens. Surely God would want that for me. That is what I treasure. I treasure being stable and secure. I treasure being successful (not necessarily wildly successful). I treasure my life and my things and my status here in this world. In the very immediate...I would really treasure getting a job.

Of course, it's not wrong to want those things. Sure maybe it coincides with God's plan for me. But I can't fool myself...and for sure not fool God. I really want that for me. My heart gets consumed with all those things. And because of my human condition, my heart stops at the things that I treasure.

I want a good job. But I want it so that I can be stable and make money and build towards a future. I didn't want a good job so that maybe I could be more useful to God. I want to be a good wife so that I can build a good family so I could be happy and boast about how good a wife I turned out to be. I didn't want to go through hard times to perhaps touch someone else's life. I didn't want to be good wife with a good family so that I could boast about how God has helped me and has transformed me. Those things, stability, financial success, great family, are all wonderful things...but I don't think they should be where it all ends. There has to be more. God has more in store than just building my life here in this world.

This week I was reminded of one of my most cherished songs. It's called "How Deep the Father's Love for Us" by Stuart Townend. There's a version sung by Joy Williams who has a very very beautiful voice. The song very movingly describes how much He loves me. That He treasures me. Even when I least deserved it. Even though I treasure other things.

So will it be easy to treasure what God did for me? Can I treasure what He will do through me? Will I simply treasure God and who He is regardless of how my life turns out? Or will I continue to treasure things like my job (or future job) or my financial stability or my reputation. I don't think that it will be easy to shift my perspective. I don't really even know how I would do it. I will try to move my heart away from treasuring the things I want and think are good. I want to treasure the things that matter to God. Loving Him. Loving people. I'm sure it will be easier to do when times are better. The bigger challenge will be to do so when things are not good or not smooth. When I'm anxious about my future. Or scared about what will happen. I know it will take a lot of awareness and real honesty. And hopefully reminders when I get going down the oh-so familiar track.

Where my treasures are...there my heart will be. I want my heart to be with God...so I will do my best to make Him my treasure.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!!!!

We love you!

I feel human again!!

I went for my sleep study last night. Here's what happened...

Took one hour for them to hook up all the electrodes and probes. (judyc: thanks for the pjs!). They tapes most to my body: stomach, collarbone, legs. Then glued several onto my head after first marking my head up with this red crayon pencil that you can find in any high school yearbook rooms. Fun times. Was a little tentative going to the bathroom. Didn't want the little hook up box falling into the toilet. One overnight session later...and 15 minutes of de-electroding and de-probing, I was on my way home at 8am! Straight into the shower and shampooing my hair twice, I still have some flaky remnants of glue...but for the most part...I'm human again!!!! We'll see what happens with the results.

The high light of the event...access to TV!!! alright. no oscars for me. Nope, I'll watch simpsons and family guy for sure!! double episodes of both too.. AWESOME!

the low light of the event...besides the smelly head glue and gazillion wires...the hour if took to put all the electrodes in place was right during the hour double episode of Family Guy! Doh! Couldn't watch the much anticipated show during the time the tech was there applying everything. Well. we had good conversation...

I'm sick again.

This makes four times being sick since moving up to the Bay Area. Four times in 7 months. What is up!?!? It's not like I am exposed to many many people who have germs. Maybe I'm just incubating the germs all by myself. Anyway...I'm grateful that it's not the weird bacterial infection requiring antibiotics kind of sick. Just a cold. And I think it's under control. Still...four times in 7 months!!!!

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, VINCE!!

I LOVE YOU!!!!

Another complaint about my gym

I know, I don't have kids so I don't know what it's like to balance your time with little ones...but still...

So I thought it was borderline acceptable for one lady to be running on the treadmill while her child sat sleeping in the stroller beside the treadmill. Hey, I do believe that the gym with weight machines and treadmills and bikes and ellipticals and stairs (at least there are no free weights) is not a very safe place for young children, I was placated by the fact that the child was strapped into the stroller, sleeping, so as not to venture into harms way. Fine by me. Maybe bring in one of those little fourwalled contraptions where the baby can at least move around a little.

BUT THEN, I saw something that I though was completely boneheaded. One lady somehow thought it would be ok and safe to bring her child of perhaps 2 or 3 years of age into the gym. Granted it's not a very big or busy gym. But while this woman was doing her walking thing on the treadmill, her little girl is busily running around the whole gym. Touching whatever she can get her little hands on. I don't know about you, but first of all, how could you concentrate on exercising when your child is running around. Second of all, it's not like you can see her at all times for there are some corners in the gym area. Thirdly, how would your even communicate with your child over the several TV's and machines putting out noise. Lastly, isn't it a bit uncomfortable and anxious to have your small child running around wanting to touch things that may have moving or heavy parts associated to them.

I'm not a big fan of shared gyms. In the past 2 weeks, I have not seen anyone bring in a towel to wipe off the machine after they were using it.

i just want to make BIG signs that say:

"WIPE THE MACHINE AFTER YOU USE IT"

and

"THE GYM IS NOT A PLACE FOR YOUNG CHILDREN TO BE RUNNING AROUND IN WHILE YOU EXERCISE"

I know, I should have some compassion. Well, I do. (I haven't made my signs yet) But really, they should have some creativity and common sense.

Principle 1: Enhance your Love Maps

Okay, kind of corny for the name of this principle. What this principle comes down to is paying attention to your partner and being intimately familiar with their world and communicating such. By doing so, you can truly 'know' your husband/wife and truly love them.

What is it to know someone? First impressions? But people change. People grow. There are so many times that I will think "He should just know me!" or "He should know what to do (or how to make me feel better)(or what to say)." Then I take a step back and think "Well, I don't really know what would make me feel better." Or worse yet, "I never expressed to him what might make me feel better." Or the worst: "I expressed that this would make me feel better when in reality, something else that I'm not aware of would." Why should I expect him to read my mind and know me automatically. Again, it takes time and effort to get in sync with my husband. We often fall out of sync, which makes it all the more important. Hopefully I, as a person, and still growing and learning more and more about myself. And should I expect that my spouse know all these changes in me when perhaps I've only just discovered them and have kept that newly acquired information to myself? Likely not. I confess that there are times when I assume I've married a mind reader. One of the many mis-assumptions I have. So I've got to put serious effort in communicating what I know of who I am to my husband, and put some serious effort into getting to know who my husband is. And then remember. I can only hope that it gets easier later down the line. Like with other things, the learning curve at the beginning is so steep, but then...smooth(er) sailings.

There will be changes, distractions or other obstacles as we move through our lives. Financial pressures. The arrival of a baby. Job stresses. Family issues. Health problems. It would be really easy for me not to update my map. For me to go on my way and think Vince would be right there along with me. When in reality, I've left him back at the gas station because I forgot to tell him I was leaving. It's important to be current in communicating and learning about each other. What worked before might not work the same later. I wonder what my interactions with Vince would be like after I get a job. Or if we have kids. Or if we had serious financial burdens. Would I remember to update my map and let him know that it's been updated? Would I just mosey along my way expecting Vince to know where I was and where I'm headed. As with any journey involving two or more people, communication is key. Communication and a shared map are even better!

It's strange too because it makes me think: how well do I know myself? How we expect someone to know who we are if we don't really know ourselves? Truth is, the only me that my husband will know, is the me that I let him see and hear. And who am I? Well, that's a complicate issue too. Thank God that Vince is willing and wanting to find all of that out. And even help me along the way. I've been thinking about who I am. Having not had a 'real' job for a while, it has really made me contemplate my identity and my worth. Aside for the truth that I am a child of God and that He finds worth in me just as I am, who am I? Is who I project myself to be really who I am? I remember the day when people were surprised when I told them that I was in law school. Then even more surprised to know, later on, that I was a lawyer. "You're so nice!" "You're too sweet!" "You look like you're still in college!" people would say. I am very appreciative of the comments, but it made me think, why is it so surprising?! Of course, I know the stereotypical jokes about lawyers (please feel free to share more of them with me!) and I'm glad I don't fall into that category. But the wheels had started turning. Who am I and who do people perceive me to be, and are those identities wildly different.

I suppose that question is of more importance now because I'm married. I used to think "I don't care what other people think about me. I'll be who I want to be." But if who I am is so different from who I think I am, it makes it super hard for Vince. I do know and believe that while I need to grow as a person, I need to be honest with myself. First, though, before growing as a person, I need to come to an understanding of where I'm starting from. By no means am I ever stuck where I am with no where to grow. Sure, my interests can change. They can vary from time to time. But my core...my self...would hopefully remain consistent. My core and values are anchored in Jesus. That doesn't change. That classical music made me fall asleep when I was little, and now I enjoy listening to it all day with no sleep inducing effect...that's cool. And as much as I can pretend that I love classical music enough to buy season tickets to the symphony and would go to every performance...well....that wouldn't be who I am. That might be who I think I am. Or who I want others to think I am. But in reality, at the end of the day, in the quietness of my room, it is not. I enjoy classical music. I would enjoy going to a symphony performance once in a while. But am no means am I a purveyor of that art. Still, there is hope. If in fact, I listen to classical music so much, I could, one day, fall in love with it, perhaps a particular composer, and invest myself to one day make myself that person whom I thought I was today and was definitely not many days ago.

Ok, I can go on and on. In short, I need to know and create the map of my own self so to be true to myself and as to assist my husband should he need it. I need to know and consistently read my husband's map of self to be able to truly love and support him. There will be distractions. There will be wrong routes taken. There will probably be brief periods of resentment. But in the end, knowing and communicating the inner workings of our soul brings us closer together.

It's so easy to fall down the spiral of stubbornness, righteousness, and pain. Being newly married is hard. When people ask me when I got married, and I tell them less than a year ago, they automatically say "Oh! You're still newlyweds!" or "Oh, still in your honeymoon period!" And while I do appreciate the well wishes and the optimism...I sometime really don't think of this stage of my life and our lives as being so carefree and blissful.

Why so down? It takes me a lot of brain power to think of the responsible adult things in life. What job to get. Should we buy a house. When to buy. Where to buy. How to spend our time. Who to spend it with. Should we have kids. When to have kids. How many kids to have. How's my health. How's his health. What bills to pay. How to save. The list goes on and on.

Don't get me wrong. There are more times than I can count where things are happy and light and blissful and fun and very funny. (see mini-golf outing and holiday party below) But I suppose that I can't just ignore the hard and serious things that come with marriage and building a life together. I used to nod my head at church when the speaker would say "marriage is like two rivers merging together." I acutally know what that feels like. I was really ignorant of what it took to be in a meaningful, intentional, and intimate marriage. One thing that I am learning is that being in that kind of a marriage takes a lot of humility. Of course, I don't know even a smidgen of being in that kind of a marriage which is also long lasting. Time will tell. And now. I do think (too infrequently than I probably should) that I am a bad wife because I'm still selfish. A hard thing to admit to myself let alone to my husband. It stinks. When will I be done with this life lesson?

Thank my dad for sending me off in a good direction. For those of you who attended our wedding, you might remember that he gave us two books to read. The first one, "The Cost of I Do," was precisely about that. The central message...you guessed it. There is a cost to saying I do. In a nutshell, the book tried to expose the more serious real life about marriage. About taking responsibility and being serious about the commitment. Not my favorite book, but a valid perspective.

I was reminded of the second book, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," the other day. Having recently fallen sharply down the vortex of hurt and anger, I was reminded that marriage, and especially my marriage, takes work. I thought, was I putting any work in it? Or did I just think coasting by was effort enough? I'm not saying the book is the answer to it all. My inspiration and revelation comes from God and those things and people around me. Over the next several posts, I want to share the principles espoused in the book I read because I think it can be a good supplement. Also because someone was supposed to read but hasn't, probably won't, and I'll have to summarize it anyway. And hopefully future posts will continue to reveal that I am getting better at being in a marriage and growing as a person.

The sobering reality to me...I can put so much more effort into my marriage. I have to. Not because it's not working. Not because we were not supposed to be together. But because we made a commitment to each other. We made a promise that we would be married. We hold true to the words "I love you" and saying that to another person demands that effort and commitment. I work so hard at other things. I get distracted by other things. I prioritize other things. It makes me sad at how deficient I can be in this marriage. But it gives me hope and makes me glad, that I can always do better tomorrow.

I love you Vince!
Even when I'm mean.