Principle 1: Enhance your Love Maps

Okay, kind of corny for the name of this principle. What this principle comes down to is paying attention to your partner and being intimately familiar with their world and communicating such. By doing so, you can truly 'know' your husband/wife and truly love them.

What is it to know someone? First impressions? But people change. People grow. There are so many times that I will think "He should just know me!" or "He should know what to do (or how to make me feel better)(or what to say)." Then I take a step back and think "Well, I don't really know what would make me feel better." Or worse yet, "I never expressed to him what might make me feel better." Or the worst: "I expressed that this would make me feel better when in reality, something else that I'm not aware of would." Why should I expect him to read my mind and know me automatically. Again, it takes time and effort to get in sync with my husband. We often fall out of sync, which makes it all the more important. Hopefully I, as a person, and still growing and learning more and more about myself. And should I expect that my spouse know all these changes in me when perhaps I've only just discovered them and have kept that newly acquired information to myself? Likely not. I confess that there are times when I assume I've married a mind reader. One of the many mis-assumptions I have. So I've got to put serious effort in communicating what I know of who I am to my husband, and put some serious effort into getting to know who my husband is. And then remember. I can only hope that it gets easier later down the line. Like with other things, the learning curve at the beginning is so steep, but then...smooth(er) sailings.

There will be changes, distractions or other obstacles as we move through our lives. Financial pressures. The arrival of a baby. Job stresses. Family issues. Health problems. It would be really easy for me not to update my map. For me to go on my way and think Vince would be right there along with me. When in reality, I've left him back at the gas station because I forgot to tell him I was leaving. It's important to be current in communicating and learning about each other. What worked before might not work the same later. I wonder what my interactions with Vince would be like after I get a job. Or if we have kids. Or if we had serious financial burdens. Would I remember to update my map and let him know that it's been updated? Would I just mosey along my way expecting Vince to know where I was and where I'm headed. As with any journey involving two or more people, communication is key. Communication and a shared map are even better!

It's strange too because it makes me think: how well do I know myself? How we expect someone to know who we are if we don't really know ourselves? Truth is, the only me that my husband will know, is the me that I let him see and hear. And who am I? Well, that's a complicate issue too. Thank God that Vince is willing and wanting to find all of that out. And even help me along the way. I've been thinking about who I am. Having not had a 'real' job for a while, it has really made me contemplate my identity and my worth. Aside for the truth that I am a child of God and that He finds worth in me just as I am, who am I? Is who I project myself to be really who I am? I remember the day when people were surprised when I told them that I was in law school. Then even more surprised to know, later on, that I was a lawyer. "You're so nice!" "You're too sweet!" "You look like you're still in college!" people would say. I am very appreciative of the comments, but it made me think, why is it so surprising?! Of course, I know the stereotypical jokes about lawyers (please feel free to share more of them with me!) and I'm glad I don't fall into that category. But the wheels had started turning. Who am I and who do people perceive me to be, and are those identities wildly different.

I suppose that question is of more importance now because I'm married. I used to think "I don't care what other people think about me. I'll be who I want to be." But if who I am is so different from who I think I am, it makes it super hard for Vince. I do know and believe that while I need to grow as a person, I need to be honest with myself. First, though, before growing as a person, I need to come to an understanding of where I'm starting from. By no means am I ever stuck where I am with no where to grow. Sure, my interests can change. They can vary from time to time. But my core...my self...would hopefully remain consistent. My core and values are anchored in Jesus. That doesn't change. That classical music made me fall asleep when I was little, and now I enjoy listening to it all day with no sleep inducing effect...that's cool. And as much as I can pretend that I love classical music enough to buy season tickets to the symphony and would go to every performance...well....that wouldn't be who I am. That might be who I think I am. Or who I want others to think I am. But in reality, at the end of the day, in the quietness of my room, it is not. I enjoy classical music. I would enjoy going to a symphony performance once in a while. But am no means am I a purveyor of that art. Still, there is hope. If in fact, I listen to classical music so much, I could, one day, fall in love with it, perhaps a particular composer, and invest myself to one day make myself that person whom I thought I was today and was definitely not many days ago.

Ok, I can go on and on. In short, I need to know and create the map of my own self so to be true to myself and as to assist my husband should he need it. I need to know and consistently read my husband's map of self to be able to truly love and support him. There will be distractions. There will be wrong routes taken. There will probably be brief periods of resentment. But in the end, knowing and communicating the inner workings of our soul brings us closer together.