Let me off this roller coaster please!

For the past week, I feel like I've been on a roller coaster that I don't want to be on. It started out like all roller coasters. The anticipation...the incline...the thrill...then the twists and turns and even slight nausea...then seeing that the end of the ride is near. And instead of the slowing to a stop so I can get off...it jolts to a sudden stop...as if broken down...and leaves me strapped in awaiting not to step off...but to endure yet another ride.

This all stemmed from a job interview that I thought went pretty well. Well enough that it resulted in an offer. Encouraged to take as much time as I needed to contemplate my options and the offer, I was set to wrestle with the various pros and cons and impact of the specific offer. Was it what I wanted to do? Was it a good place? Was the commute doable? Did this position bring me closer to where I wanted to be career-wise? 6 days after the interview I was inclined to accept the position despite the few lingering cons. I was ready to contact said offeror only to wake up to an email saying, to the effect "you said you only would need 3 business days to consider, since you didn't get back to us I presume you got another job and so I gave an offer to someone else. thank you and good luck."

much to my surprise...the bird in the hand flew away. honestly, even though it was not the perfect job...I was crushed. I felt disappointed. I felt disappointing. I felt really really sad. I cried. I felt lame like I was stupid in the way I handled it. But I was certain of the conversation that transpired during the interview that resulted in my thinking that I had time to consider and that I had not promised to get back to them in 3 business days. so i responded back saying there must have been a misunderstanding because i thought i said something else and that if they offered the position to someone else, then that's the way it goes.

of course there are so many thoughts racing through my head. was that a ploy to make me accept? what did i say? did i lose out on a great opportunity? after sometime...i recognized that "me being perfect for the position" did not mean squat. otherwise they would have checked in with me and not given the job to someone else. to me...one week of consideration is not an unreasonable amount of time. it wasn't even a week. not that I'm trying to be petty. but if they told me to take as much time and to explore all my options and they really thought i was valuable...then they would have waited a week before giving the job away or at least checked in...as i was intending to check in. and then of course i thought "i don't want to work for someone who tells me I'm prefect and such a great fit only to know that their actions don't reflect that statement." i felt stupid for giving them so much consideration when they did not return the same.

all in all, it was a learning experience and it was sour but i know better than to let it influence me negatively. I love knowing that I was not meant to be there. I was that close to committing myself and my life and time to that place. and the only thing that would have stopped me was not something i would decide for myself. so it was decided for me. Despite having bouts of feeling sad and disappointed and lame, i revel in the knowledge that God protected me from getting into a situation that wasn't right for me. I could not see it. I did not see it. I may have sensed something. But ultimately, I would have overlooked that sense.
and as i continually operate in a fashion that reflects not knowing what God has in store for me...
i know that He is watching out for me and has something planned for me.

but it's hard being in this place...